Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"  Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man” Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."  Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!" 

MARRIAGE:- My husband and I divorced over religious differences.  He thought he was God, and I didn't…… Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering……. For Sale : Wedding dress, size 8.  Worn once ...  by mistake………….. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage. ……….The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.  "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"  "Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times." ……………………. 

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said.  "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately. 

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed. 

 All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.  The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.  Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card. 

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.  Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men.  In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.  What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.  Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?" ……………………….John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.  "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly.  "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."  "But I thought you hated Bob," she said.  With his last breath John said, "I do!" ………..

Its Marrow growing time again. The seeds have been planted and we await the plants with agog and expectation. This year the HOP is in competition with Hill-billy John’s lot in far off Welsh Wales. Of course John is growing PUMPKINS!! …. Who cares …. Grow a marrow or a Pumpkin surround it with slug pellets and lots of TLC and at end of August approx we will compare the products……. There are no rules EXCEPT the vegetable must have a name!! Songs and poems are allowed also!! …. Get thinking … get digging in your compost ….LOVE YOUR MARROW!!!

Ace fiddle player Brian Wicklund is coming to Helsby with his 2 USA buddies. The band is called Kicking Mule and you can see them at the Robin Hood Hotel,Helsby on FRIDAY May 9th. Start at 8:30 approx ….GET THERE EARLY FOR A SEAT!!!.. Details from us Or the Pub…..OK

FESTIVAL TIME IS COMING UP and the nearest one is COASTLINE BLUEGRASS W/E in N.Wales 1 and a half miles from A55 (Llandudno Junction) in beautiful countryside. Its on w/e June 6/7/8... And features European Swedish super-star bluegrass band + many other Brit bands + workshops/Dancing etc etc . Camping + Real ‘Ale’ and decent toilets… all this at a reasonable price. All info’ is on the Coastline website. Or contact us and we will point you in the Welsh direction OK!!

"OLD" IS WHEN .. Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!" ……."OLD " IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. ………"OLD" IS WHEN .. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door. …………."OLD" IS WHEN .. Going bra less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face……."OLD" IS WHEN .. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along………"OLD" IS WHEN .. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police………."OLD" IS WHEN .."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fibre today ………" OLD" IS WHEN .. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. ……"OLD" IS WHEN .. An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom. ………..AND "OLD" IS WHEN .. You are not sure these are jokes.

Figure out what these words have in common ??

Banana  Dresser  Grammar  Potato  Revive  Uneven  Assess Answer: In all of the words listed if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word and then spell the word backwards it will be the same word.

A king was running low on cash. Desperate for money, he began selling his possessions. Finally, he was down to the Star of the Euphrates. At the time, it was the most valuable diamond in the world. Reluctantly, the king took it to a pawnbroker. The pawnbroker offered him 100,000 dinars. The king was outraged. "I paid a million dinars for it," he said. "Don't you know that I am the king?" The pawnbroker replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.." The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.  In fact, this one is on me." As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up,! " says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?" The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

What's on? Tel Contact No given if you are not sure OR are travelling a long distance CHECK First) EVERY THURSDAY @ THE HELSBY Ex-SERVICEMAN’S CLUB Starts at NEW TIME 8:30p prompt!!… THIS WORKSHOP IS MEANT FOR all abilities ESPECIALLY BEGINNERS AND NEW enthusiasts so don’t be shy you will be sure of a great night with good music good tuition…its ‘Simply The Best’ … we only shut on Xmas day

THURSDAY 3rd thurs May 15th Beginners Adults/Kids Appalachian clogging @ Helsby Ex-Serviceman’s club 7:00pm approx. start.. ...Contact 01928-725780

EVERY First SUNDAY OF THE MONTH :-ROBIN HOOD. Open Mic (7:30pm SHARP -9.30 approx).. tel contact 01928-723256...NEXT ONE IS May 4th Great music!!

First TUESDAY OF Month May 6th workshop with Stuart Williams at NEW VENUE!! Old Colwyn Marine Hotel, Function Room, just off A55 North Wales , Tel Contact John/Sue Hillbillies on Tel 01492-535755.… 8pm start

EVERY 2nd AND 4th SUNDAY OF THE MONTH @ Grappenhall Ex-Serviceman's Club, Chester Road, Grappenhall (Close J20 M6 and J9 M56) Informal pick. Contact Paul Crowther 07803 013992 to confirm.

First FRI of every month (May 2nd :- Acoustic Music session (folk/bluegrass sing-a-around) GLAN YR AFON Inn,Pentre Halkyn.Nr. Holvwell. Contact Andv Wood tel:- 01352-780159

Hillbilly John e-mailed Johnny Plank and said :- “Hi there, I have some revolutionary picks, go to HYPERLINK http://www.hillbillys.co.uk then instruments ,then right hand side Instrument accessories. Well Johnny Plank tried them out and they really are very comfortable and are ideal I BELIEVE for most pickers especially beginners AND young FOLKS. They do not slip and fit over the finger just perfectly . I actually prefer the round ones as against the flat. Its easy to measure your finger size on the web-site and well worth a look at. All info from Hillbillys… via their web-site (on top of first page Or Phone John or Sue 014792 533969).

ALSO JP acquired some NEW GUITAR FLAT PICKS that are made in Holland!! They really are excellent , I was most impressed and hope NOT to lose them as quickly as any others in the past!! Once again Hillbilly John has all the info!!

Paul C .... hand made guitars... Tel mob 07737615022 Highly recommended by the HOP… quality acoustic guitars

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. 

2 TOP QUALITY BANJOS for SALE IN PERFECT CONDITION

ODE Flat top Banjo model 6500 1976 Unmarked mahogany neck and resonator, Maple pot. Gold plated metalwork (engraved) in as new condition. £2,250 ono. Ring Dave on 0797 12 12 816

Stelling Red Fox 1995 Dark Maple neck and resonator Metalwork Nickel, in perfect condition £1,850 Ring Dave on 0797 12 12 816

? Why not do something you Love!!! :- For Sale Hillbillys Bluegrass Music Instruments & Memorabilia . John & Sue are going to retire and play Bluegrass Music full time just like Johnny Plank does. This profitable and fun business is reluctantly available, includes everything ready to trade tomorrow. Trailer, Marquee, stands, Deering Banjos, and Goldtone Banjos Dealerships. 2 Web sites The Business is fully re locatable, as most customers phone in. Inc good will £46,000 stock at valuation. Why not visit us at www.hillbillys.co.uk, and bluegrassfestivals.net We have far more than this on the web site in stock and can suit a stock to suit your budget if necessary. Please note Business is unaffected by this. Call Hillbilly John on 01492 533969 or 07775 858155

SUNDAY LUNCH :- …. WHY NOT GO TO THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON PUB @ INCE (2 miles off junc 14 M56). BEST VALUE FOR MONEY TRADITIONAL ROAST Mr. Plank has ever had …Highly recommended

From the Queen's Royal Lancer's Website: Don't say you're English

Goodbye to my England, So long my old friend ,Your days are numbered, being brought to an end, To be Scottish, Irish or Welsh that's fine, But don't say you're English, that's way out of line.The French and the Germans may call themselves such, May Norwegians, the Swedes and the Dutch, You can say you are Russian or maybe a Dane, But don't say you're English ever again.At Broadcasting House the word is taboo, In Brussels it's Scrapped, in Parliament too,Even schools are affected, staff do as they're told, They must not teach children about England of old.Writers like Shakespeare, Milton and Shaw, The pupils do not learn about them anymore, How about Agincourt, Hastings , Arnhem or Mons, When England lost hosts of her very brave sons.We are not Europeans, how can we be?, Europe is miles away over the sea, We're the English from England, let's all be proud, Stand up and be counted- Shout it out loud.Let's tell our Government and Brussels too, We're proud of our heritage and the Red, white and Blue, Fly the flag of Saint George or the Union Jack, Let the world know - we want OUR ENGLAND BACK !!!!

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.  The thief spends less than my wife did. ……………..We always hold hands.  If I let go, she shops. …………….My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried. ………She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.   

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story) :-

Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the film of the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions. You're going to love this...... Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo 'Defrost the chicken.'

Redneck chat up lines!!

Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special……… My Love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in……………Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out…… Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em …… You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away….. Man - 'Fat Penguin!' Woman - 'WHAT?' Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.' ……..I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock…………. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room…… Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner………. If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

The doctor gave a man six months to live.  The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months. ……………The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, 'Mrs. Cohen, your cheque came back.'  Mrs. Cohen answered, 'So did my arthritis!' ………………………Doctor: 'You'll live to be 60!'  Patient: 'I AM 60!'   Doctor: 'See! What did I tell you?' ………………The man asks, 'Doc, how do I stand?'  The doctor answers 'That's what puzzles me!'  ……………………..A drunk was up in front of a judge.  The judge says, 'You've been brought here for drinking.'  The drunk says, 'Okay, let's get started.' 

A beggar asked a fellow, 'Give me $10 till payday.'   The fellow responded, 'When's payday?'   The bum said, 'I don't know! You're the one that's working!'

  A Jewish boy comes in from school and tells his mom he has a part in a play.   She asks, 'What part is it?'   The boy says, 'I play the part of the Jewish husband.'   The mother scowls and says, 'Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.

 A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money. Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replied, "Yes sir, I did." The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next and asked the man, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why women like Chinese food so much.  The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now. 

A husband and wife are watching ''Who Wants To Be a Millionaire,'' and the husband winks and says, ''Honey, let's go upstairs...'' The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no. So the husband says, ''Is that your final answer?'' The wife says yes. The husband says, ''Well, can I phone a friend?

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds and then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail." The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

A boy came crying from school and said, "Dad, a kid in school called me gay." "Hit him the next time he says it." The dad said. "I can’t...he's too cute."

Paddy and his two friends are talking at work. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine." His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine." Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

A wife and husband were sitting at a table at a school reunion, and he kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' he sighed, 'she’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says the wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating for that long?

# Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all  three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and mask over their  eyes . After a few days they meet again..... The engaged girlfriend says, "The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12cm stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: "you are the woman of my life, I love you"...then we made love all night long The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I  was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and  a  raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but  we  made love all night long. The married one: "the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over  my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says: "Hi Batman, what's for dinner?"

A rather arrogant doctor was at a party where my friend's brother, a "larger" man was enjoying a drink and small plate of supper. The doctor walked up to him and said, rather rudely, "My god you're fat!" The reply came quick as a wink - "That's because every time I sleep with your wife, she gives me a biscuit!"

#A LOAD MORE COLEMANBALLS

“If you want a quiet life, you turn a blind ear.” (Geoffrey Boycott, Radio 5 Live)………………..“We flew in by air.” (Karen Allen, BBC News)……………“Don’t tell us your team talk, but tell us exactly what you will be saying to the lads before the game today.....” (BBC Radio Scotland)………………..“He wants to go back to France....and you can’t get nearer to France than Plymouth” (Paul Walker, BBC Radio Sheffield)……………….“A tremendous free kick! It probably would have gone in if he had put it where he intended to put it.” (Stan Collymore, Radio 5 Live)……………..“And its West Ham to start the second half attacking their supporters away to our right..............” (Commentator, Radio 5 Live)……………….“We took our finger off the boil....” (Dominic Cork, Sky Sports)………………“This where he [Haydn] really started nailing his true voice to the mast” (BBC Radio 3)………………“It was as clear as night is day....” (Alan Green, Radio 5 Live)……………….“The Cohen brothers are a one man band” (National Public Radio film critic, BBC Radio 4)………………….“He [Arsene Wenger] selected a team that was stronger than he had available to him” (John Anderson, Radio 4)’……………………“He dived one-handed like a swan.....” (Commentator, BBC)………………….“We’re a long way from where we are” (Steven Gerrard, BBC1)……“He was nearly a victim of his own demise” (Adam Baker, BBC Radio Bristol)………………“Both Rafa Benitez and David Moyes have said that they won’t be having another number two until the end of the season....” (Alan Jackson, BBC Radio Merseyside)………………“It is a lot harder when you are 4 – 1 down than when you are 4 – 1 up” (Kevin Keegan) ……………“I don’t have any children, but my mother did....” (Jacqi Dankworth, Radio 4)……………….“I’ll bet there are eight teams in the last sixteen who won’t win the competition” (Andy Gray, Sky Sports)……“Somehow his legs couldn’t keep up with the rest of him” (John Roeder, BBC1)……………“It’s accepted practice for the batsman to go between himself and the fielder” (Tony Greig)………“Cheap cider’s a hot potato...” (Russell Fuller, Radio 5 Live)…………………“And so the status quo is pretty much as it was...” (Jeff Stelling, Sky Sports………“There’s always going to be a few bad eggs in a barrel” (Roger Daltrey, BBC)

Be Proud A recent study found the average Brit walks about 900 miles per year. Another study found that we drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. That means we're averaging about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud to be British

That’s all this time folks…… support ‘live’ music …… support THE HOP…….cheers JP